Cuntlines, manropes, jackstaffs, and snatch blocks.

It’s Local Apparent Friday Eve!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!! Almost there.

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yes I just used a dumb meme!!!! I’m super stoked!!!!

This week has been terrible with the weather. I actually refuse to sit in the AC because my body can’t deal with the back and forth between the really cold and ridiculously hot. It’s been well above body temperature for a week straight, PLUS humidity. I used to live out West. I don’t mind the heat. It’s the humidity that sucks balls.

Speaking of balls! I’m very proud to announce that I finally succeeded in Mission Hotness. I’d say pat me on the back, but I already did that. I’ll come back to this. So while I enjoy my tasty Long Trail that tastes SO much better now that Mission Hotness is completed let me give you the low-down on my week.

Let’s talk about the perils and pitfalls of sailing instruction.

1. That Creeper Parent.

I’m all about getting free food and what-not from parents happy with my instructing abilities. They’ve charged me with some precious cargo, and I stare at radars and wind forecasts obsessively to make sure that precious cargo is safe.

But there is always that ONE creeper parent who at the end of the week feels the need to hit on you or make weird comments like the following (this is a true story):

“I’m SO glad my son had you as an instructor.”

“Aw thank you so much!”

“Yeah, I was worried at the beginning of the week when I didn’t see you.”

“Huh?”

“I remember when I learned how to sail there was always that one really hot instructor that I used to get excited about. I’m REALLY glad my son had the same experience.”

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Yeaaaaaaah…um…that comment was so dirty that I feel the need to take a shower now. Fully clothed. Because you just really creeped me out THAT much. And I can’t even deny them my number, because my boss has it and can give it out. THAT is creepy.

2. Helicopter Parents.

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I get that you’re invested in your child. I think it’s really awesome that you’re footing the bill for them to join the elite crowd of sailors. Sailing takes elitism to a WHOLE new level. We have so many terms that if you learn them all, you can have a full conversation without a non-sailor having a SINGLE idea what you’re talking about. What’s better???? We can have an entire DIRTY conversation that WE all get and YOU don’t.

“EVERYONE STAY IN THE BOX! WE’RE BEATING UP THE BOX!”

“Pop the chute!”

“My sheets got all wet.”

“It’s caught on the cuntline.”

These are real terms. I’m not even making this shit up. Sailors were/ARE dirty, dirty-minded individuals.

That is totally worth investing in! I’m sure you REALLY want your kid to grow up to talk about cuntlines, snatch blocks, manropes, and jackstaffs. 

However, the chalk talk is not for you. It’s for the kids. You want to make an instructor feel weird???? Sit RIGHT next to your kids as we get going.

Even creepier? To get a view of the kids on the water, these parents LITERALLY go sit in a cemetery….ON GRAVES, to watch…and take pictures. 

“HI HONEY!!!!!! LOOK OVER HERE AND SMILE!!!”

Mom…you’re sitting on dead people…..I’m going back to playing with my manrope. 

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3. When the Temp goes up so do Tempers

Wanna know how to shorten a sailing instructor’s fuse??? Have them teach in 100+ weather for a week. People WILL fight. I had a bitch fight with another instructor today. I drove off in my launch and did donuts to blow off steam. Then we hugged it out.

At lunch we both commented on how we were at our breaking point. I blame the temperature. We both did.

Think about this—we are working on the water, in that temp, in WHITE boats that redirect the sunlight RIGHT onto you.

Great for my tan…but my brain is broiled. Thanks.

On the flip side, yell a few of the inappropriately funny aforementioned remarks and you’re good! Maybe play some Loud Noises!!!!

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4. People are trusting me with their health and well-being….

Yes, I know I’m on the water 40 or more hours a week…But people trust me with their LIVES! That is such a HUUUUUGE responsibility to shoulder. UGHHHHH woe is me! hahaha.

No but really, I’ll give you an example.

Today was a Shitshow. I knew it would be for the past few days. I was also in charge today. I don’t know if it’s because they trust my judgment or what, but I have spidey senses about things. Also, I have like five apps on my phone I religiously check: My Radar, SailFlow, WindAlert, Forecast Fishing, and another for the Surf Forecast. I’m adding one for the tide because sometimes I forget or don’t pay attention.

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Either way, I’m a go-to for this stuff. But that doesn’t mean I’m not stressing on it. Fearless Leader actually asks me my opinion on the matters. Even when the radar isn’t going nuts, I just have an extra Sailing Sense. (knock on wood).

Today I had adults. I’ve talked about how teaching them can be frustrating. What’s even more frustrating? Making calls about conditions with them. See little kids are a no brainer. It’s trickier with adults.

Today’s forecasts already told me it was gonna be a shitshow. I mentioned that. I also fell asleep last night with Crest White Strips still on my teeth. I remember hitting 20min and willing myself to stay awake….and then next thing I know? It’s 5:30am and I’m waking up not for my alarm….but because my teeth started to hurt THAT badly. But yeah you should totally trust my judgment calls hahaha. (No but really you can and should ALWAYS listen to my words of wisdom in regards to judgment calls on the water).

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ANYWAY—I stood outside and watched the wind and water for about 30min, coffee in hand. When my co-instructors came in and started grabbing all the sails I stopped them.

“Storm jibs and reef.”

“What?”

“Trust me.”

They looked at me like I was insane.

“M—the wind is not gonna fill in until later.”

“Trust me.”

“…okay….”

“You know what….nm….lose the jibs. We’re not gonna want those.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

BOOM! Fires off at 20+ knots on a beginner class. We end up having to tow them in off the water because it got up to 30+ knots.

I also made the call to tow in…RIGHT before it hit that 30+ knot point.

I’m not meaning to brag…I just think I was born with an ability to read the wind well. I dunno. Sure I rely on radars and what-not. But some of it is also intuitive. Actually one of my co-instructors complimented me today. He commented on how I notice the very small subtleties of the wind. She’s a finicky bitch….but she’s MY bitch.

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That’s not true at all. Mother Nature is the ULTIMATE bitch. You better respect her or she WILL put you in your place. Maybe that’s why she likes me—I respect her.

5. You will get your vehicles mixed up. 

It will happen. You will have been on the water all day, you motorboating son of a bitch. Then you will get in your car….and you will drive it like it’s a motorboat.

Here’s the problem if you are working with outboard motors…we already talked about how amazing they are with Loud Noises!!!!!….but if you are dealing with one and racing across the water on one for 8+ hours, you’ll forget what you’re driving.

I have a theory that the First Lead Foot was a sailor just in off the water.

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Also, you might find yourself zig-zagging….it’s not quite tacking with your car. But it might as well be. No I’m not texting while driving…I’m a SAILOR!

Parallel parking my boat:  WHOLE LOT OF GAS, FORWARD, NEUTRAL, QUICK LIGHT REVERSE. Oh you thought I was gonna hit you??? No way, Dude. I can get my boat in and out of places like you wouldn’t believe. Within millimeters.

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Yeah that’d be a fail in the car. Slam the gas forward, slam it again in neutral…run over a curb. BOOM!

However, I also maintain that if you are able to parallel park more than three kinds of vehicles you SHOULD get a special award of AWESOME. 

6. It’s SO tiring being THIS awesome. 

Yeah, I’m a princess whining about the Thug Life on Water. I get that. You probably wanna smack me.

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True story though: I’m tired as HELL by the end of the day. Did you catch the part where I fell asleep with my 30min Crest Whitening Strips in???? It was still light out. I was THAT exhausted.

Why? We can’t panic on the water. And the past couple days here have been rough. I’ve gotten really good at stifling that panic voice in your brain that tells you something is a bad idea. So much so that I don’t hear it most of the time.

This is GREAT. Because you CANNOT show your students that you are stressed AT ALL. If you do, they will panic. And as we discussed before, the first thing they’ll do is DROP THE GODDAMN TILLER. I don’t want that. I don’t wanna have to chase your sailboat in circles. I also don’t want you to throw up. Because then I’ll throw up. This is not a pretty picture!

Even though that voice is stifled. It’s still taxing. So by the end of the day, I’m WIPED and have no idea why. Oh right, I watched a sailboat run full speed into a house. It decided to blow 30 knots on my beginner class. NBD.

NO! IT IS A BIG F-ING DEAL! I NEED A HUG….AND A NAP!…..Sans whitening strips!

So I’m gonna go get beer, half watch a movie and fall asleep.

Which leads me to a MISSION HOTNESS update.

Today, when I got out, my first stop was to the packie. I needed a beer after all those shenanigans. I love shenanigans. They’re my favorite. But I need a beer.

I drove, half-comatose, to the packie and opened the door. Who was standing right there as I walked in???? HOTNESS!

I’m sure if I weren’t wearing my summer coat, and were rocking my winter whiteness, you would’ve been able to see me blush. It happened. He got a big grin on his face…which made me blush more. DAMN SUNBURN.

So I grab my Long Trail and head up front. It went something like this:

“Hey! I was looking for you the other day!” ~said hotness

“Really?”

“Yeah. I was down near the water. I tried to find you. Then I realized you taught out of _______. How’s the sailing going?”

“Great!”

“Yeah I was really hoping to see you.”

And this went on awkwardly in front of a few other people. I finally was like “Do you have a pen?” And gave him my digits.

So that’s a win! And I was so excited I felt the need to share with my friends:

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Autocorrect fail haha. Whooooops.

Okay—I’m gonna go enjoy my Long Trail and Friday Eve. Also, my eyes are starting to shut. I’m hoping I don’t leave a wounded soldier. That’d be a fail.

SAIL FAST!

 

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One response to “Cuntlines, manropes, jackstaffs, and snatch blocks.

  1. Pingback: nudos de marinero | Meridian Nautic·

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